mrow.

It’s so saddening and so angering to see my queer friends and my Muslim friends and my black friends more afraid, in fear of being targeted. It breaks my heart to see people truly afraid of just being, where your existence, who you just are, can cause you to lose your life. I will never understand the other side, but I hope to find something to do about it, to contribute with action. I can’t handle this anymore. 

2015 is a tough year to follow up from. I explored the world more than ever, my career catapulted into the world of tech and event planning, moved into leadership roles in more than 1 place towards the end, and I gained some of my closest friends to date.  I feel like I have a better handle on my adult life, but still have alot of gaps and unknown things to discover about myself that will only come in time.

My word for the new year is CREATE. While I’ve had a hand in making alot happen in 2015, I felt like I was living in a very consumer mindset - sitting and digesting, receiving guidance, following directions, going with an already existent flow of things. While I will continue to absorb as much knowledge and help as I can, I want to be able to create and make new and exciting things on my own accord, in more ways that 1. Whether it’s in my career, or in the shop, or in my writing, I need to create and put my art out there. I need to make bolder decisions and get out of the cookie cutter path that has already be forged. I’m excited and nervous to make more risky decisions and to get shit done, regardless of opinion. 

Happy New Year, beautiful people.

I was driving up Route 46, diverted to the 101 from Google maps due to a hour and a half delay on the 5. The sky was transitioning beautifully, from hues of yellow to purple and pinks, a backdrop to the parched hills of Central California. I was surrounded by the oil fields, pumping out this black currency from deep inside the crust. And then there was me, my car, music blasting, and a half empty boba cup quenching my thirst on a long drive home. I think the irony of the subject, oil and metal robots pumping that sludge from the ground, actually made that moment more beautiful. 

Despite that beautiful landscape, I felt very lonely. The loneliest I’ve ever felt in a very long time. Maybe because I was physically on my own, or because I was just coming from time with my family and friends. Maybe because the holidays are full of joy for others, and I had a rougher Christmas and holiday season than past ones (not saying that it wasn’t great. My family has been a huge blessing during the past few days.)  

Loneliness is a weird state of mind. Full of sadness and self pity. And you can feel it even with a constant flow of human and non-human interaction. Oddly enough, I don’t think another person, or even a group of people can be a remedy. You have to learn and relearn how to feel confident in the place that you’re in, with or without company. I guess I’m in the relearning phase.

I’ve been living a bit nomadically the last few days - being in Camarillo, Irvine, LA, now SD - working in different locations in order to see old friends and family. It’s fascinating when you’re put in an old context with a different version of yourself and seeing how you fit in again. While I’ve kept in touch with a solid group of people and have been able to experience a life and friendship with them in the last few years, naturally with some I haven’t and it’s a trip to see what’s the same and what’s different within your dynamic and environment. Your changed interests, goals, humor, state of mind, state of life. The nostalgia and the memories of weird adventures will be there, the stories will be told and retold and laughs will be shared as you make new ones. But as you talk and reveal the life you lead away from the social media image that you all hold since that’s the main way you connect and know what’s going on anymore, there’s always that weird friction of new and old. How do the pieces fit again, do they even, and do you try to make them fit. I wouldn’t regard that friction as a bad thing either. It feels like you’re meeting a new friend within the old. Seeing change in a person in encouraging to me. Change is natural of course, but to see how it work within folks around me encourages me to continue on the risky path I follow.

It’s quite revealing when you are conscious of how a person can change without your presence. People you used to see every damn day, folks you depended on in good and rough rides have become mature, interesting people without your constant physical influence. At the same time, how your old relationship and the lessons you learned together has actually carried through that person in a fluid manner, just under the surface, we just can’t see it’s impact in the obvious state. The intersections of relationships feels like a DNA strand, when at first glance, the lines converge and diverge, but in reality is constantly connected in different areas. 

But does that DNA mumbo jumbo work in all relationships? Sometimes it feels like I’ve changed and some people haven’t. I realize how condescending that is to think that someone hasn’t changed - that’s quite impossible, and also not my call. The progression of folks is not necessarily mine to judge. My ideas of change can be different than theirs, and it’s not like I see them all the time to know what’s different really. I can only hope that they are dreaming of bigger and better things for themselves and working towards that. 

Again, procrastinating from my work since I’m living that work from anywhere life. These car rides have been very introspective I guess, haha. 

Overall, I know what I want for my life. I want a good career, to make a great and positive impact on the world, I want a family, and partner I can grow through life with, good company, to express myself in my creative avenues and push the boundaries of experiences and knowledge in my work. What trips me out is the timing. I don’t know when things are going to happen, and while I think things should happen at certain times, life throws curveballs and different things that change the game. Even I don’t know when I ideally want things to happen, just that I want them to happen, many time sooner than later. Leaving the timing up to the universe is quite nerve-wracking. My sense and want of control can be so detrimental to my mental and emotional space sometimes. While I know each decision we make brings us closer to our desires, who knows if other factors will align. I guess that’s the beauty of spontaneity. 


Hahah I’m totally procrastinating as I work from the Santa Monica Philz. I also have alot of thoughts in my head that I’ve gathered over all of this driving to and through SoCal and really need to put it to physical form to synthesize. I like to word vomit, then clean up the mess. 

Love God and continue to build his kingdom. 

Truly invest in the relationships that matter. Continue to make new, meaningful connections.

Build my programs to where they are bigger and better..without me. Move on to bigger, more product driven work. Maximize impact.

Actually turn in my writing to publications, blogs, ANYWHERE. Don’t be afraid to share my work. 

Make something in the shop not related to a class. I have the basics - time to really push the creative envelope. 

See more of the world through different lenses.

Figure out the mechanics of my camera, haha.

Don’t be afraid to love an intimate partner again - BUT be confident on my own first. 

Give and help other people with opportunities to grow and flourish in their own strengths and greatness. 


I have a pretty big fear of dreaming too small, that my practical side will inhibit me from truly aspiring for a feat hard to get to, but completely possible to reach and even surpass. Gotta keep pushing, gotta keep reaching. I have to remind myself that every risk I’ve taken this year, no matter how they panned out, were worth it. Time to take bigger risks - I’m only getting older from here, haha. 

This year has been one hell of a year, with so many high and lows to count, a ridiculous amount of emotions to push through. I’m so thankful for everything that has happened. I’m excited to see what the new year, the new day even, brings. 

Music makes me so happy. Seriously, so so happy.

When I’m overly stressed on adult shit, manifestations of ridiculous situations in my head, and unnecessary worries, the universe places moments of honest belly laughs and tears of joy into my life that shake it all away.